PROTECTING YOURSELF ::: Alternatives to Family Violence
SAFETY PLANNING
Not everyone in a domestic violence relationship is ready or able to leave the situation. There are many different options for how to best respond when in a battering relationship. As everyone’s situation is different, there is no single path for everyone. For some, leaving and going to a domestic violence safehouse is the best option. You may decide to leave only to find the local safehouses are full. For others, staying in the home with counseling may be the appropriate choice. Perhaps a protective order is best for you. Maybe he could leave the home. The options are many and varied.
Safety planning is a critical way to begin your plan of action for your particular situation. Gaining knowledge of options is a good way to begin charting your path. You are the best judge of yourself, your situation, and your batterer.
Safety planning involves taking actions that will make you safer. In involves making steps towards your goal (whether it be leaving the relationship or staying in the relationship)
If you are currently in an abusive relationship:
The reasons for staying in a relationship are numerous. Regardless of why you stay, you need to be as safe as possible in your home. While there is no way to fully predict the next abuse incident, there are steps you can take to be prepared.
- Can you identify warning signs: building tensions, increased anger at minor things; verbal threats; increasing severity or frequency or incidences
- Can you identify different ways of escaping a situation. Identify two ways out of any room (doors, windows). Avoid being in a room with only one way out.
- What is contained in the room that can be used as a weapon against you?
- Is there a particular room would the abuse tends to occur?
- Where are the phones located? Do you have access to them? Do you have a cordless you can carry with you easily?
- Can you talk to your neighbors about the situation and set up a signal? Is there somehow that you can signal to neighbors that would alert them to call the police? Consider a certain word or phrase. Or if they hear loud noises, ask them to call the police.
If you plan to leave:
Planning to leave and leaving can be a high risk decision. If your batterer discovers you are planning to leave, or thinks you are planning to leave, he will often increase his level of control to force you to stay. Use caution in your preparations and who you confide in about your plans. It is important to keep your children safe during this time. While they need to be prepared for what is happening, they also need to be protected. Are they able to keep quiet about your plans? Are you telling them things that puts them in a position of having to choose between two parents?
In your preparation, you may want to begin collecting items you will need when you leave. Consider a trusted friend as a safe place to leave items you will need. Or maybe you can leave items at work, or hide them in the car. Whatever you decide, consider whether your abuser will miss the items during your planning stage. Removing an item (like a photo) that he looks at everyday would not likely be a safe option.
Documents to have ready:
- Birth certificates for you and children
- Driver’s license or identification card
- Social security cards for everyone
- Marriage and/or divorce documents
- Custody papers
- Immunization and medical records
- School records
- Copies of protective orders
- Passport, work permit, visa, green card
- Aid paperwork: food stamps, TANIF, etc.
- Banking records
- Car registration, title, insurance
- Lease/rental agreement for house/apartment
- Any other important paperwork
Other items:
- Cash, credit cards, checks
- Clothing for you and your children
- Extra keys to the house, car
- Medications for you and children
- Significant keepsakes—jewelry, photographs
- Important phone numbers
- Children’s toys, blankets
- Anything you don’t want to lose after you leave